The Nerve Center
The topic of Stay-at-Work Mom vs. Stay-at-Home Moms is explosive. It strikes at the very nerve center of who we are as women and as mothers. It taps into our insecurities and unfairly forces us to respond to society's expectations both in the workplace and at home.
I knew this when I was writing the book and I'm feeling it even more now as I go on the road to publicize the book. This week I spoke to a group of professional women in Washington, D.C., and when the topic of the "mommy wars" came up, women could hardly contain themselves. Almost every woman had a story to tell of how they've been either ostracized, ignored, snubbed or judged by stay-at-home moms.
"There really are two camps in my town," one mother told me. "The lines are divided and you really feel as if you're taking sides." Some women swore that the mommy wars got even more heated as their children got older. Great, something to look forward to, I thought (since my kids are only 4 and 2 years old). When I was writing my book an at-home mom said to me that she has to feel that she is doing a better job mothering than working moms, because why should she have surrendered her career if her kids didn't turn out better.
It is that kind of feeling that has made mothering into a competitive sport. The research shows that children of working moms do just as well as the children of at-home mothers. We have to do what's right for ourselves and our families. Working, not working, even the decision to have children at all is extremely personal and individual. We should stop judging one another. Stoking the mommy wars hurts all of us. Women need to work together for more flexibility at work and more time at home. After all, isn't that what we all want?
posted by Wendy Sachs @ Friday, May 06, 2005
2 Comments:
I think most judgements come from a persons own insecurities. I don't think I've met someone that doesn't judge other people at least sometimes. We all feel insecure and guilty about our imperfections and one way that we deal with this is by finding people who we perceive as not as good as we are. When we judge them, it makes us feel better. The older I get the less I do this because I'm really just trying to do the best I can in my small little piece of this world. I still sometimes judge others, but less than I used to. By the way, I stay home with my kids, but that shouldn't matter to anyone else. If it does, it really doesn't bother me much anymore, because also with age, I'm more confident in my decisions that I have made. Me staying home doesn't make it more important for all mothers to stay home.
I think there's no perfect solution for everyone. Each mother has to do what is right for her and her family. If we could all find ways to come together and support and encourage one another, I suspect we'd all end up better mothers with more accepting children. Thanks for this post!
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