Resisting The Cult Of Mommyhood

Upon giving birth to my son three and a half years ago, I was quickly initiated into the cult of mommyhood. Part of the rite of passage in this post-partum society, is to enter a parallel universe, a highly social and active world where moms and babies spend their days hustling around to a wide array of classes, lunches and playgroup gatherings. It was here where I met my first mommy friends – a lactating sorority of out-of-shape, exhausted women who like me, were simply looking for sisterly support as we all struggled to survive those brutal first few months of motherhood.

The women I met had an impressive collective resume. They were lawyers, psychologists, engineers, financial analysts, social workers, marketing and advertising executives. Many had graduated from some of the elite universities in this country. So when talk turned to life after maternity leave, I was surprised to discover that only two women were returning to work. I had been a TV producer who left television to dabble in the dot com world on the cusp of the bust. I was eager to get back into television again but unsure how to go back to a Big Career and also be a very present mother. But many of the other women I met had made peace with their decisions to stay home and were getting settled into their routines of fulltime at-home mommyhood. As I became more antsy, they seemed more content.

Part of me envied them for being so thrilled with motherhood and not appearing to need more. And part of me was simply bothered by their satisfaction. I just didn't get it. I found myself getting sucked into traditional stereotypes of what defines a "Good Mother" and I began fearing that I simply wasn't good enough. If I were good enough, I figured, I should be relishing motherhood, not feeling a relentless churning for something more.

It was at this time that the inspiration for this book evolved. I was shocked to discover that so many smart, talented women were dropping out of the work force or “opting out” as New York Times writer Lisa Belkin called it. We’re the women who were raised in an environment where anything was supposed to be possible. We’re the ones who had the doors to advancement jimmied open for us to waltz through, so why were so many women turning on their heels and leaving once they become mothers? Had all of these women embraced their inner Marthas and discovered domestic bliss and fulfillment in baking the perfect linzer tortes as some headlines suggest? I felt desperate to find moms who weren’t dropping out but who were staying in – and I was equally desperate to discover how were they doing it all.

So I decided to interview famous and regular working moms about how they were doing it. What are the tradeoffs? How do they handle the inevitable conflicts? How do they reconcile the guilt? How do they come to terms with their own ambition? Are they happy? Is there anything they regret? What are the options out there?

The topic of Stay-at-Work moms vs. Stay-at-Home moms is an explosive one. It strikes at the very nerve center of who we are as women and as mothers. It taps into our personal insecurities and unfairly forces us to respond to society's expectations both in the workforce and at home. It challenges our priorities and identities and it sometimes leaves us feeling as if we simply can't win. While much has been made about our generation expecting and wanting to "have it all," women today are redefining what "all" means. For women today, definitions of "success" have more to do with job satisfaction and flexibility than with prestige and position. Women want to be respected and compensated fairly in our jobs even if we work three or four days a week at the office. We want flex-time, part-time and job-share to be viewed not as a privilege but as an integral part of the work culture. We want the freedom to amp up when we are ready and to cut back if we need to slow things down.

My book isn't about Having it All, because we know better -- it's impossible to really have it all. It's about having some of it, all of the time.

(Reminder: You can click this message's title to see the book at Amazon.)