Bad Moms?

My friend Rebecca surprised me the other day. Here is a woman with a toddler who financially is in a position where she doesn't have to work. In fact, she had taken a leave from her job because she had become burnt out from the commute, long hours and travel. But after a few months of staying home with her son, she realized she needed more. She missed work, she missed the interaction with other adults. She's now returned to her job but has scored an amazing deal of working three days a week.

"It's perfect," she tells me. "Just the right amount of time at home and in the city." So I was genuinely shocked when she said to me over coffee a couple of days ago, "I really wish I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom." "Why?" I asked. I've heard the opposite from women (and even from some men) who say they wish they didn't have to work and that they fantasized about being at home with their kids, but never from someone who chose to work and wished they liked being at home better. "Well I guess it would be simpler, I wouldn't have to commute," she said.

Rebecca also admitted that she feels a little bit guilty and a little bit like a failure because she realized she didn't enjoy being a stay-at-home mom as much as she thought she would and should. In fact, she had always figured she would be an at-home mommy -- because that's what she assumed good, devoted moms did. So she was genuinely surprised when after a few months she became restless at home with her son. After spending her days toting her son around to parks and playdates, Target, Costco and the various grocery stores, she knew she needed to get back to work to keep herself from going stir crazy.

"I think at the end of the day you just want to feel like you've done something smart, you've used your brain and that's what I missed when I wasn't working," Rebecca told me.

I agree with Rebecca. It doesn't matter what field you're in or what exactly it is you're doing, many of us need “outside” stimulus, a very personal professional experience – not one so selfless as mothering - to feel “smart” and engaged and invested in something. Are we selfish or self-absorbed? Some may say so. But I think the reality is that many women are wired like Rebecca and I. And the reality is that some women who have chosen to stay at home, are also yearning for some other area in which to engage , but aren't quite sure how or what to do about it.

We shouldn't feel guilty about this -- we shouldn't feel like we're bad moms if we can't find total satisfaction in fulltime mothering. It's healthy and normal to try to satisfy that deep, uncomfortable churning that tells you that you’re hungry for more.