Columbus Day - October 9th
Columbus Day is the kind of pseudo-holiday that many offices for whatever reason refuse to pay tribute to. But when I learn that my office is closed in honor of the great explorer, I am ecstatic. The weekend before my Monday off, I begin idealizing and planning all of the things I can do with my kids (and for myself). My son is off from kindergarten, but my daughter has pre-school. This is perfect, I think to myself, as I strategize how I’m going to maximize the most of every hour. I can actually take my daughter, Lexi, to school, (which I haven’t done since the first day) meet her new friends, check out her classroom and even grab a few minutes of face time with her teacher. These snippets, when I can see first hand what she’s doing when I’m not with her, are priceless to me. I also plot some one-on-one time with my son Jonah and because my husband is home from work today too, I fantasize about getting an hour of exercise in as well – the makings of a glorious day. Or so I think.
The morning begins in typical fashion. When I take Lexi out of her crib she asks, “Mommy are you going to work today?” Usually the answer is yes and Lexi gets spontaneously teary. But this morning when I say “No honey, “Mommy’s not working today,” Lexi smiles brightly and then says matter-of-factly, “Well, then I don’t want to go to school.”
“But this is a special Mommy, Lexi day,” I say in my best chippery, sing-songy voice. “I get to take you to school and I’m soooo excited!” “No, I don’t want to go to school,” she shrieks. “How about we go to the bakery and buy a special treat for your lunch,” I say, hoping to appease her. “Okay” she says, wiping away some tears.
I quickly get Lexi dressed and then hustle to the town bakery to buy her an extra large cookie before heading to school. Driving to school, Lexi munches on her cookie and then suddenly puts it down and says, “But mommy I don’t want to go to school!” Her face dissolves into tears.
Doesn’t she get it? This is my rare chance to take her. It’s part of my plan of engagement today. I want to take her. I need to take her. This is also for me. But then I start feeling guilty and selfish. The truth is – I’m sending Lexi to school because I want to be able to take her for once. Also, I’d like to play tennis for an hour and I’ll feel less conflicted if she’s occupied in school for a few hours. Then we all win, right? Wrong.
I walk Lexi up to her class and she’s clutching my neck like a koala bear. I see the girls in the class who she always talks about: Jamie, Joey, Sarah – it’s good to put faces and names together. I make a mental note that I should really be setting up play dates. I see Lexi’s art projects and the hook where she hangs her backpack. But when I try to peel Lexi off of my body she starts sobbing and I feel terrible.
On my way out of the school I run into one of Lexi’s teachers. She tells me how adorable Lexi is but that “she is clearly missing her mommy.” “She hasn’t quite turned the corner in school yet,” the teacher continues. “She hasn’t really opened up to us or the other girls yet.” I’m stunned and heartbroken. Lexi is an unusually social little girl who always has acclimated easily. At least she used to. So now what’s happening? I start blaming myself. I walk out of the school choking back my own tears.
I come home for a couple of minutes before I’m supposed to play tennis. Jonah is getting ready to go out with my husband but now he only wants me. Jonah crawls into my lap and begs me not to leave him. But I have only two hours before it’s pick up time for Lexi and according to my plan Jonah and Mommy time comes later in the day. But my plan feels useless. No one is getting enough of my time, including myself. My Columbus Day is quickly turning into a disaster.
Fortunately, over the next few hours the day did improve. Lexi was so excited to see me when I picked her up from school – it was as if her entire body was smiling. She ran into my arms giggling with the happiest look on her face. The world at that moment couldn’t have been more perfect for the both of us. We then met my husband and Jonah for lunch at Jonah’s favorite restaurant. We went to a park with paddle boats and played on the playground. After ice cream, I took both kids to their gymnastics classes where I was able to wave to them as they performed on the enormous gym floor. I sat where all the “mommies and Sallies sit,” Jonah informed my husband later. Sally is my babysitter who takes the kids to their classes.
For me, today felt like I was catching up on all the stuff that I’ve been missing these past few months. But when I was putting Lexi to sleep tonight and she asked, “Mommy are you going to work tomorrow?” my heart sank again. “Yes, sweetie I am,” I said softly. “I love you mommy,” Lexi said as I was leaving her room. “I love you too sweetie.” Even with an extra day like today, it just never feels like enough time.
posted by Wendy Sachs @ Monday, October 09, 2006
5 Comments:
I think it's sad that if you really feel your daughter is missing you -- why not put your daughter first and maybe spend a few years at home where you're clearly needed. Money isn't everything you know.
I was in your boat and I decided to scale back and take the time to spend with those I care about the most. I may not wear my Jimmy Choos anymore... but I am happy and so are my kids. I haven't looked back. You only live once and I don't want to regret missing out on all the things my children are doing that I get to see first hand now. To me - it's what life is about.
How do you know Wendy doesn't put her daughter first? Just because a mother works outside the home doesn't mean her children come second. It's time for women to stop judging each other, and start supporting one another.
I made the decision after the birth of my second child to work part-time. Today, seven years later, I'm sharing a professional-level job with another working mom. It's the right decision for me and my family, but I would never suggest that it's the right thing for everyone.
A little less nastiness and a little more support for one another and maybe the so-called mommy wars can come to an end.
Thank you Wendy for sharing your experience. I am a working mom (not just for the money it brings in but because of the value I place on the work I do) and constantly struggle with balancing work and home life. We as parents try the best we can and your blog perfectly described the battling emotions we often feel. My mom was a working mom and I felt she set a wonderful example for me. While I can understand why a number of women decide to take time off or leave work permanently to be stay-at-home moms, it wasn't something I was interested in. I feel like my career is part of my identity and also gives me a lot of fulfillment-- that being said my family is still the most important thing in my life which is how other working moms feel--- that is why if we think we are "missing out" on with our kids, we take the additional time when we have the chance (like you did on Columbus Day) to spend quality time with your family.
It is a struggle to find a balance and as all children are different, moms are different, too. Let us support each other in finding our own best path, even as we change our minds several times, rather than insist their is only one way. My mom would have been awful at home fulltime, our sitter had a tremendously positive influence on us.
I wish that I had strong, positive and available/interested family members, like some of my mom friends have, but for those of us who hire it: God Bless all the sitters and nannies who help our children become great citizens!
Your post resonated with me. It can be absolutely brutal to need to work but want more of those moments in our kids' lives. Thanks for being so honest and helping me know it's not just me with these crazy quandries!
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