Create A Life, Open A Void

Yesterday, I was speaking to my friend Cathy who has an enviously successful and accomplished career in film production. Her husband is even more successful. As we discussed our kids, careers, husbands, potential job moves, and the challenges of motherhood, she declared the utter unfairness of it all. "Even early on, you can see the paths of men and women going in different directions at work," she said spreading open her fingers to visually demonstrate the divergent paths of the genders.

"That's why when women take a break from their careers after they become moms, they can really never get back in and catch up," Cathy said. "Or if moms quit entirely they are feeding into old, workplace stereotypes about mothers. I think this is really dangerous for all women."

Yes, I agree it is dangerous. But sadly most mothers really don't feel as if they have many options. Last night, at a dinner with my girlfriends, a similar conversation was taking place. Everyone was in agreement that one parent's career had to slow down after they had children -- after all, someone has to be around for the kids. Of course, this someone is usually the mother.

Many women thrive in this arrangement. (At least for awhile.) They embrace the career of motherhood and are challenged in their role of Woman of the House. Others, by default, get used to this situation -- and make the best of it -- sometimes enjoying it, other times resenting it. And many women who financially need to and want to work after they have kids switch their careers altogether to something more "family friendly" and flexible.

I know women who left Wall Street to become realtors and women who left television production to become teachers and I know women who started small businesses of their own. Sometimes these moves prove to be fantastic and satisfying. But many other times it seems women feel as if they are compromising themselves. They feel forced by motherhood into a job that falls flat. They miss their old lives. They miss the rush, the chase, and the excitement of their former careers. They've become practical but sometimes bitter. They are desperate to find something to satisfy their personal cravings for creativity and stimulation. The irony is that by creating a life, many have also created a void. Why is it that in becoming mothers, we often lose ourselves?