The Peculiar Pain Called Guilt

"I feel guilty for not working," a mom said to me on the train today as I was heading into New York City to see a doctor to evaluate a very peculiar and disturbing pain pulsating from my right foot apparently for no real reason.  We started talking because she noticed several of my books (soon to be released) that I was toting along with me to eventually mail off to friends, family and women who debuted in my book.  Then she added, "I feel guilty even now while I'm on the train going to my dentist because I'm not with my kids.  I always feel guilty when I'm not with them."

 

Yikes!  Guilt and motherhood feel brutally entwined.  Whatever we do, working or not working, women somehow feel guilty.  When did it get this bad?  I understand there is good reason for mother nature to make sure that we will never stray far from our young.  And I do believe we have a chemical, physiological reaction if we believe our children are in harm's way. God knows I get knots in my stomach plenty of times when it comes to my children, but when did leaving our kids to go to the dentist make us feel guilty? 

 

There is so much pressure on moms today to be perfect, selfless beings whose lives revolve around their children.  Today moms shuttle their kids to a whole host of "stimulating" classes and we're made to feel inadequate if we are not prepping our toddlers with the latest and hottest activities -- Mandarin is the apparent must-know language in NYC these days for babies.

 

I admit, I always feel guilty too.  If my children aren't doing well at home or at school I blame myself that I could or should be doing more.  I think we need to collectively revolt against the guilt.  Maybe we should banish all of these expensive classes that make us crazy.  Let's admit, we all look and sound like idiots harmonizing while waving scarves in Music Together.  We do these things because everyone else is doing it.  Let's end the guilt.  Motherhood would be a lot more fun if we didn't have to worry so much. 

The Momentum Builds

At a time when all of the other books and news reports about staying at work versus staying at home make us feel insecure, unsure and guilty, this book is meant to inspire women that we can succeed at work AND family.

Click title to see book at Amazon.

Bad Moms?

My friend Rebecca surprised me the other day. Here is a woman with a toddler who financially is in a position where she doesn't have to work. In fact, she had taken a leave from her job because she had become burnt out from the commute, long hours and travel. But after a few months of staying home with her son, she realized she needed more. She missed work, she missed the interaction with other adults. She's now returned to her job but has scored an amazing deal of working three days a week.

"It's perfect," she tells me. "Just the right amount of time at home and in the city." So I was genuinely shocked when she said to me over coffee a couple of days ago, "I really wish I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom." "Why?" I asked. I've heard the opposite from women (and even from some men) who say they wish they didn't have to work and that they fantasized about being at home with their kids, but never from someone who chose to work and wished they liked being at home better. "Well I guess it would be simpler, I wouldn't have to commute," she said.

Rebecca also admitted that she feels a little bit guilty and a little bit like a failure because she realized she didn't enjoy being a stay-at-home mom as much as she thought she would and should. In fact, she had always figured she would be an at-home mommy -- because that's what she assumed good, devoted moms did. So she was genuinely surprised when after a few months she became restless at home with her son. After spending her days toting her son around to parks and playdates, Target, Costco and the various grocery stores, she knew she needed to get back to work to keep herself from going stir crazy.

"I think at the end of the day you just want to feel like you've done something smart, you've used your brain and that's what I missed when I wasn't working," Rebecca told me.

I agree with Rebecca. It doesn't matter what field you're in or what exactly it is you're doing, many of us need “outside” stimulus, a very personal professional experience – not one so selfless as mothering - to feel “smart” and engaged and invested in something. Are we selfish or self-absorbed? Some may say so. But I think the reality is that many women are wired like Rebecca and I. And the reality is that some women who have chosen to stay at home, are also yearning for some other area in which to engage , but aren't quite sure how or what to do about it.

We shouldn't feel guilty about this -- we shouldn't feel like we're bad moms if we can't find total satisfaction in fulltime mothering. It's healthy and normal to try to satisfy that deep, uncomfortable churning that tells you that you’re hungry for more.